Joey Takes the Cake
by Sinshana
Summary: Two men and only one Rachel. Who will win? Pretty much same story. Onesided JxRxR. No OOC. Please read. Simply hilarious!
1. Peachy

Summary: Two boys, only one Rachel. Pretty much the same plot. No to OOC!

"Rachel's cooking…not a very good idea" -Chandler 

Chapter 1: Peachy Food

A blonde entered a mall wherein a photo studio was. This was a place where children and adults came to take their photo with characters from cartons, the middle Ages, or the future. The blonde was wearing a pink elbow length blouse, and a maroon skirt, which's length, was an inch below the knee. She was carrying a normal purse with who-knows-what's inside, her hair was tied up and her face was wearing a mysteriously (and weird) jolly smile. She rushed to a man dressed in a Bruno Bear suit.

"Hi!" she said joyfully. The man looked at her awkwardly, and then recognized her.

"Phoebe," he exclaimed. "You came!"

"Wow," she said, a little surprised, yet still smiling. "You know my name. Well, you know my name, and I know yours. Bruno. Wasn't that amazing?"

"Uh, Phoebe," the man said. "It's me, Joey."

Phoebe stopped smiling. She stared at Joey. She frowned. "Nooo, you're Bruno. The bear. Remember?"

Joey shook his head. "I'm **Joey. **I work here, I dress up as characters for the people who want their picture taken."

"That's so nice, Bruno!" she said encouragingly. "I'm sure a lot of people want their picture with you. Maybe even the Spice Girls!" Joey was about to protest, but when she mentioned the Spice Girls, he paused. He _would _like to have a picture with the Spice Girls. He looked up dreamily and imagined what it would be like. He was there, in a Bruno suit, in a bed, with the Spice Girls feeding him grapes. For some reason, they didn't seem as hot as he expected.

"Uh, Bruno? Brunooo," Phoebe waved a hand at his face. Joey snapped back to reality and shoved off Phoebe's hand to scold her. "Look, Phoebe. I am **not **Bruno the bear. I am Joey Tribianni, your friend. Don't you remember? I work here part time." Phoebe paused. She looked at Joey sternly, then turned back to a cheerful mood. "Who's Joey Tribianni?"

Joey slapped his forehead, and felt like he had a headache. He tipped over and Phoebe grabbed his elbow.

"Are you okay?" she asked with concern. She obviously didn't want one of her favorite characters hurt. "I can help. I used to be a doctor one time…even a nurse. I also was a killer, and a surgeon, I think. I remember cutting someone's stomach with a small knife I believe to be a scalpel. But I don't know if I was cutting him for surgery or just plain murder. I don't remember."

Joey immediately pulled in his elbow. He didn't want Phoebe to try and 'aid' him, then accidentally kill him. He knows she must have been a surgeon or doctor in one of her past lives, but she couldn't classify what she did, and you can't blame her, no one's memory is that big.

"Hey Phoebe, what do you remember most, being a killer or a doctor?"

"Hmm, killer."

Joey backed off and sighed. Phoebe's facial expression changed the subject. "Hey Joey, wanna have lunch back at the Central Perk?" Joey smiled and nodded in agreement. He began to follow Phoebe out the door when he stopped and gasped.

"Hey, you remembered my name!!!"

-

Joey had changed from his costume to normal clothes and was following Phoebe into the Central Perk. Reaching the glass door, she spotted her friends on the round table surrounded by the tan couches as they usually did. Squealing with glee, she ran inside and abandoned Joey, who got slammed in the face by the glass door.

"Monica! Rachel!" Phoebe exclaimed, jumping over the couch to hug her friends as if she didn't see them in years.

"Hey, Phoebe, nice to see you too," Monica greeted returning the hug. Phoebe turned to Rachel.

"Hey Phebes, where have you been?" Rachel asked, as they both hugged.

"I've been to the photo studio, so me and Joey both came here to have lunch," Phoebe explained, releasing Rachel.

"That's nice, but where's Joey?" Rachel asked, leaning away from Phoebe to look behind her.

"Beats me. Probably spotted some chick on the road or something," Phoebe grabbed the menu.

"Were you guys talking about Joey at the photo studio?" Ross asked, leaning away from Chandler. "It's a wonder why he still has that job."

"Hmm… nothing's too good on the menu today," Phoebe remarked, then turned to the waiter and ordered a bunch of food.

"Hey, stop changing the subject! Let's get back to our card game," Chandler grumbled to Ross, who wasn't facing him.

"You guys are gambling? I told you not to play that game," Monica reprimanded. "It's a stupid way to lose money."

"Um, did you say that Joey found a chic on the road?" Rachel asked Phoebe anxiously.

"Hey, you heard my sister, stop playing this stupid game," Ross said to Chandler.

"No, I meant—," Phoebe started'

"You just want to quit cause you're losing," Chandler argued. "And you're the one who asked me to play!"

"Why you—,"

"EVERYONE STOP TALKING ABOUT GORILLAS!"

Everyone quieted, even the people around them quietly turned to stare. After a few moments, Monica spoke.

"But we weren't talking about gorilla, Phoebe," Monica said in her gentle voice.

"Well then somebody ought to talk about 'em now," Phoebe said aloud and shrugged as she went to gobble up the mountain of food she ordered. Chandler turned to Ross to argue some more when the sound of the glass door opened itself and a red-in-the-face Joey walked in.

"Anyone talking about me?" he said lowly, not expecting a yes. He slumped into a tan seat between Ross and Rachel.

"Actually, we were," Rachel said. "Are you okay?" no one took his or her eyes off Joey's face.

"Yeah."

"_How _okay? Smooth?"

"Smoothly peachy."

"Makes sense," Phoebe shrugged, with bits of food around her mouth with a bulging stomach. Everyone stared at her.

"Um, what took you so long?" Rachel asked.

"Great. Even my boss complained how late I was." Rachel was about to speak when Joey continued. "I even got my face slammed by the glass door on my way in."

Rachel sighed; Ross spoke. "That explains it."

"Hey, we still haven't finished our game," Chandler held up a card and Ross sweated with tension.

"Uh, I gotta go!" Ross said jumping up and running to the door.

"Hey wait!" Chandler yelled, but Ross had left. He knew that even if Ross _had _heard him, he still wouldn't wait. Chandler slumped back into his chair because he was just about to get rich.

"You okay, man?" Joey asked as his red face began to fade.

"Yeah. Smoothly peachy."

"Makes sense," Phoebe shrugged.

-

"It's almost dinnertime," Rachel said, clasping her hands together. "So I'm all inviting you to Monica's place to eat dinner!" Everyone beguiled in his or her own thoughts, wondering what Monica would cook when Rachel continued.

"And to celebrate Joey's… uh… good job, I'll be cooking!"

"Rachel's cooking… not a very good idea…" 

"_I'm still suffering from the food poisoning when she last made that lasagna…"_

"_She's using MY kitchen!?"_

"_Mm…. Rachel's cooking… Wonder if she'll be making that English trifle with the meat and jam…"_

"…_Mm… Why aren't they thinking of gorillas? Hey, I just thought a thought! Echo… Echo…"_

"…_Hm, should I cook up Mushroom soup? Or maybe another lasagna? Ross did seem to love it…"_

Everyone had thoughts of sheer horror (except Rachel, and Phoebe, very thoughtful!), but everyone was knocked out of their minds when they glanced at Joey, who was looking dreamily at the unclean-for-months ceiling.

Chandler gave Joey a kick.

"Hey, what'd you do that for?!"

"Well, Joey seems to be normal," Monica said, sweating as her concern for her boyfriend began to grow as fight smoke appeared at the background, "so Rach, maybe I should help you with dinner…"

"No," she said smiling as she waved her hand at Monica, "I want it to be a surprise, it'll be great."

Then she left for the kitchen, and everyone's faces were terrified (except Joey and Phoebe, echoing in her head).

"I think I'm going to have to leave." Chandler said sweating and reaching for the door.

"But Rachel hasn't cooked yet," Joey protested before Monica could speak. "Besides, this is your place too."

Chandler stopped short, for once; Joey had a HUGE point. Monica started sweating her way out, and Ross was sitting in the corner quietly.

"I-I'll see what Rachel's doing," Ross said, walking out the bedroom door. Arriving in two seconds, Ross saw Rachel facing the counter. She didn't notice him come in, and she was fidgeting with the kitchen utensils.

"Uh, Rach…?" Ross said, and Rachel turned around. Her face had panic written all over.

"Ross," she said, "I can't decide what to cook!"

-

"It sure is taking them a long time," Joey remarked. "Should we check them out?"

But none of them had any intention to get out of the bedroom. "Monica, you get out." Chandler nudged her on the shoulder.

"W-wait! Why me?" Monica questioned.

"Ladies first." Chandler stated.

"But why can't Phoebe be first then?" Monica pointed at the blonde girl who was across the room, looking at her own reflection. She was literally echoing in her mind, but soon awakened to the action.

"I don't count," she said simply.

"And why not?" Chandler raised his eyebrow at her.

"I'm a lesbian, lesbians and ladies don't mix, duh." Phoebe shrugged at the couple, as if it was the obvious thing in the world.

"All right, all right… I'm going…" Joey piped up, rolling his eyes at his friends. "There's no need to argue, its not like Rachel's cooking will eat you up." With that, he turned to the door. A few moments later, Phoebe spoke.

"That's the last we'll see of him," she said indifferently.

"Are you really a lesbian, Phoebe?" Monica asked.

"What?! Who told you that?!"

-

Whilst everyone else was talking, Ross was helping Rachel cook dinner.

"Is the butter done yet, Rach?"

"Um, how do you know when it's done?"

"Sigh… Never mind… Let's just use whip cream as a substitute"

-

"See how good I am? I can slice onions without crying!"

"Maybe cause…that's not an onion, it's a turnip."

-

"Rach…it doesn't say you should use an eggbeater!"

"Trust me, it'll be faster this way!"

VRRR

"Perfect! What next?"

"Well if you can still read this…"

-

And that's when Joey came in. They were arguing whether they should use the oven or the microwave. They were tugging at the cake tray and from Joey's view, it must've looked like they've been hugging.

Joey realized he had come at the wrong time, but for some strange reason, he couldn't find the strength to move. That's when he heard it.

"We should use the OVEN!"

"And I say it should be the MICROWAVE!"

Joey became calmer. He raised his hands as a peace sign and said,

"Hey guys, no need to get so heated up."

--

"Wow! Rachel made all THIS?!" Monica gasped at the wonderful feast laid right on the table in front of her.

"Yup." Rachel smiled proudly. Ross nudged her. "…and maybe with a little help," she added quietly. She walked over to Monica beside Chandler to taste the food. Phoebe on the other hand, was eating already, and she was eating so fast you wouldn't know if she could actually taste it. Chandler and Ross followed, and Monica and Rachel were just starting. Phoebe was finishing.

Joey smiled as he stuck a fork into the meat on his plate. He tasted it, but it wasn't as good as he expected. Maybe…because Ross made it as well? He shook his head and continued eating, not smiling.

"Peachy."

"Did you say something?" Ross asked as all the others enjoyed the food.

"Uh, no," he said, and Ross turned away. Joey turned back to his food and whispered,

"Peachy food."

------------------------

A/N: Okay, okay, I know that wasn't very long, but I didn't have enough ideas! Don't blame me, this is my first friends fanfic, but you can still comment on how I can improve it by reviewing! Anyway, Phoebe's not lesbian, or normal. She's bisexual.


	2. Muffin Accident Series

"_Um, I, it's not what you think; I…" –Rachel_

_SBAM!_

"_Come back here and explain you—OOF! AHH!"-Rachel_

"_AAH!" -Ross _

Chapter 2: Muffin Accident Series

Joey woke up with butterflies in his stomach. That dinner was like litter, not that he actually tasted litter. Or maybe he did. Throwing on some new clothes, he noticed he actually _wore _clothes when he slept. Oh well.

He made his way downstairs to the Central Perk. Making his way towards the counter, he ordered a blueberry muffin.

Gunther gave his order and spoke back. "Where's Rachel? Isn't she here with you?" Gunther sneaked a look behind the man.

Joey just shook his head in an inquisitive way. "Why you looking for her?" Joey asked curiously at his intentions.

Gunther started busying himself with a dishcloth in hand. "U-uh, its nothing…" he shrugged. Joey turned to a nearby chair and began munching on the muffin. And then that's when the sound of the glass door opened and two women, a blonde and a brunette walked in. The blonde was talking.

"You know, Monica, people are so rude these days," she complained to her friend. "When you call the operator for a number and you have to put the phone between your shoulder and ear while you scribble on a paper, some idiot behind you starts blowing his horn."

"Oh, I get that a _lot_," Monica related sounding half-sarcastic. Looking over at Joey sitting alone in a corner, she exclaimed, "Joey?"

"Oh hey, Joey!" Phoebe exclaimed as if nothing was unusual. Anyway, anything was usual to Phoebe. Monica looked concerned, but didn't speak. "So what are you doing…" Phoebe leaned closer to inspect the object he was holding. "…eating a muffin?"

Joey raised both his eyebrows at the woman at his side.

"Phoebe's right, Joey, what happened? You ran out of good sandwiches to eat?" Monica asked at the half-Italian man.

"Wait a minute, Joey, you're upset?" Phoebe blinked at him. Joey ignored the woman, and answered instead, "Nothing's going on, I just didn't want to wake Rachel up. Or Emma."

Phoebe squinted his eyes at the man, "Hey, don't tell me…you and Rachel…" Joey coughed at Phoebe's sudden realization. "Hack! Wait! Me and Rachel are not together, okay?"

"Eh!?" The women widened their eyes.

"I was going to say that you two had a fight…but your idea is WAY better!" Phoebe concluded.

"You and Rachel… together? When did this happen?" Monica asked.

"Dun, dun, dundun…" Phoebe sang. Then she twirled and grabbed his muffin. She chomped into it and went twirling along.

"Hey, we are NOT getting marr—hey! That's my muffin!!!"

"Marr? Whoever heard of _Marr?_'" Phoebe dropped the empty cupcake casing on the small round table. Joey whimpered at his food loss. There were still crumbs on either side of Phoebe's mouth.

"I think he means _marry, _Phoebe," Monica corrected.

"MARRY?!" Phoebe exclaimed. "You're going to take it that far already? Wait till I tell the other guys!" and with that, she raced for the door.

"No Phoebe!" Joey yelled, but it was too late. He slumped back on his seat. Monica looked sympathetically at him.

"Joey, did all you say was true?"

"You weren't even listening to what I said!"

"…"

Monica just stood there over the table, looking solemnly at Joey, the half-Italian man who had his head in his hands. He was murmuring something under his breath, and Monica sighed. She hated to see anyone so depressed.

"Um, Joey…you know, you _still _have a chance at the show business…"

"I do?" Joey looked up with hope and enthusiasm in his eyes. He had been remembering all the times he had failed to be a big star, like when he almost got a lead part in the show wherein he becomes the guy who finds a lost girl and when he finally tracks her house, a woman comes up at the door and answers that the girl has 'been dead for ten years', which was really the best part of the movie, well at least to Joey.

And then there was the time when Joey found his identical hand twin, a waiter in Vegas. But the man had no intention to get famous just because he found his identical hand twin, which was too bad, because Joey had made the effort of making a song about it. "This is your hand, and this is my hand…wait no, the that's your hand…wait no, it's my hand…" Now here was a brunette haired woman, saying he still had a chance in the show business. Could she be right?  
"Uh, Joey?"

"Yeah?" he snapped back to reality, and this time, the woman at his side was asking the question.

"Please stop singing that song."

---

Joey returned to his apartment, wherein Rachel was on the couch watching a DVD on the television, and she had tears in her eyes. She sniffed and hugged the couch pillow tighter.

"Good bye," the child said, still clutching on the teddy bear as he dramatically waved goodbye at the purple dinosaur, which had green in his stomach and tail, and had yellow painted on his toes.

"Good bye," Rachel responded, feeling a tear trickle on her cheek. The purple dinosaur smiled and hugged the child close.

"No, not goodbye," the purple dinosaur said. "Even if we're far away, we can still be close friends."

A tear dried off the child, and he looked puzzled. "H-how?" the child and Rachel both said.

"Because…" the dinosaur smiled, "I love you… you love me… we're a happy family, with a…"

"Rachel, what are you watching?"

Rachel jumped and gasped. It was Joey, and he saw her watch a child's show! Her secret was out!

"Um, I, it's not what you think; I…"

"Ooh, Barney! Can I watch too?" he asked as he jumped unto the couch and started singing.

"I love you, you love me, hey, join me Rach!"

Rachel was taken aback; she didn't know Joey watched Barney. But soon she was smiling and they were both singing the song. "We're best friends as friends could be, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too…"

Then they both sighed and watched the child hug Barney back and smile.

"Thank you, Barney. I know that we really can be close friends even if we're far away. Bye…for now."

Soon the episode ended and Joey and Rachel smiled.

"I didn't know you watched Barney, Joey," Rachel told Joey as the credits rolled in.

"Doesn't everybody?" Joey asked. "Don't think I'm as stupid as not watching Barney."

Rachel sighed to herself. _"Actually," _she thought, _"Now that you said that, I think you're dumber than I used to think." _

"—,"

SBAM!

Both Rachel and Joey jumped, and went in Chandler.

"OMIGOSH!" Chandler screamed, with Monica trying to stop him, but with a look on her face that said, "You never had a gracious." Phoebe peeked in from behind and smiled. "I told everybody," she said. "Isn't that great?"

"W-what happened? Why did you all just barge in here?!" Rachel, said, surprised at everyone's burst outs.

"Don't act like you don't know, Rach, we can _clearly _see that you've been hiding something from all of us!" Chandler squinted and told off Rachel's 'secret'.

"What? What are you talking about?" Rachel denied.

"And you didn't tell me, I mean, _I'm _your best friend for all these years! You could trust me!" Chandler turned to his glaring friend.

"Look, it's clear from my point of view that I don't know what the _heck _is going on with all your minds—" Rachel spurted out, only to be cleared out by Joey.

"First of all Chandler, why would I trust you with this kind of thing? _You _wouldn't keep my secrets!" The man started, getting a groan from Chandler himself. "Hey! That's not true!" the man looked at the eyebrow-raised man then Chandler started again, "…O-okay, maybe for a few times, but that's not the point! I repeat, _I'm your best friend_!" the man chanted

and pointed to his own self.

Joey rolled his eyes and continued.

"Second of all, it's not true, guys! Phoebe's just making it all up! And it's obvious that Rach had nothing to do with anything." Joey exasperated. All heads were turned towards the blonde woman.

"Is that true, Phebes?" Chandler interrogated.

"well… Uh… I-I… BYE!" Phoebe started off, running through the door to go and escape. The three friends blinked at the door for a few moments, then Joey stood up. "COME BACK HERE, PHOEBE!" and with that, the man went off, never bothering to put his coat on. "YOU STILL OWE ME A BLUEBERRY MUFFIN!"

"Can anybody please tell me what _really_ happened?" Chandler asked the ceiling, his hands on both his pockets.

"That's what I want to know… Care to tell the both of us, Monica darling?" Rachel likewise turned to her ex-boyfriend's sister, as Rach was getting closer to her by the second.

"W-well… It's all a _very big _misunderstanding… hehe…" Monica inched away from the tensioned room, "GOTTA GO, BYE!" the woman sped off after other two, escaping from the predator behind her tail.

"MONICA, I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU YET!" Rachel ran right off to the brunette, grabbing her coat on the way.

The man was once again left alone in the room, "Again, can anybody _please_ tell me what _really _happened?"

When Chandler didn't receive a reply, he shrugged, "Oh well, time for some fun!"

He sat on a chair and pulled it towards the big cabinet keeping the TV set, reaching for the remote, he installed the video game onto the DVD player. He couldn't get it in and so he realized there was another DVD occupying the space, he rejected the CD and placed the game in the receiver.

"_Barney_ _in Treasure Island_? Why would Joey have this DVD? Hold on… Does Joey watch this stuff?… This has got to be the deepest secret Joey has _ever_ had, I have got to tell Monica and the—wait! If this is a secret; I'll prove to Joey that I _can _do so keep a promise! Yeah that's it…" Chandler chuckled to himself and placed the DVD on top of a small table.

"Go Chandler… Go Chandler…" he chanted in a whisper as he played the RPG.

-

"Come back and explain you—OOF! AAH!"

"AAH!"

The two bodies collided with a thug and both fell down on the floor.

"Ow… Ow… That really hurt…" The man that was laid on the floor whimpered, he took an exhausted breath and slowly sat up. "Rach?"

The woman too, whimpered and began kneeling up on the floor instead. "I'm sorry, I slipped on a stair… Ross?"

"Right… What were you doing running down the stairs anyway?" Ross curiously asked.

"Well I've been trying to chase down Monica for keeping something from me, it was something involving me and Joey and it was really getting annoying. Here, let me help you get up." She already stood up and lent a hand to the man, who didn't refuse and slowly stood up himself.

"Thanks, so what about you and Joey?" he asked, dusting off the dirt on his shirt.

"Your welcome… Uh, that's what I want to know." She exasperated a sigh, "Anyway, I have to go and catch up with Monica and Phoebe, and Joey told me it was all Phoebe's fault.. See ya."

She motioned to move outside the door. "Hey, wait."

"Huh? What?" she responded.

"I think I know where they are. Let's go." He headed out onto the door, leading the way.

"Hold on! I'm coming!… Uh, when I get my hands on those two, I swear to this city I will try to strangle them" she muttered out, and caught up with Ross.

"Thanks for your help, Ross."

"No prob."

"So where are we going?"

"My place."

"You really think they'll be there?"

"I sent Joey a text message telling him to ask the others to come by to eat one of my student's homemade cake"

"Oh, are you sure he brought his phone with him?"

"Sure I'm sure."

-

CENTRAL PERK:

"Okay, so now you have to pay for that muffin," Joey said, leading Phoebe onto the counter. He had handcuffed Phoebe's hand to his. It was unknown to where Joey had gotten those handcuffs, but there was no escaping. People were staring at them, wondering why in the world there were two young people handcuffed together and were entering a restaurant, but the two didn't notice.

Joey looked up at the menu of different flavored muffins and was about to order a blueberry-flavored muffin, but had noticed the different flavors and his mouth watered in anticipation as he decided which flavored muffin he should get instead. Phoebe stared intently at Joey, and saw what his eyes had laid at. Taking her chance, she carefully yet swiftly took the handcuff key out of his pocket and ran off.

Meanwhile, Joey was still staring up at the menu of flavored muffins, his mouth watering and overflowing, which caused it to drip to the floor and create a puddle, which the people behind him in line were complaining at his slow decision in impatientness then drew back in the exclamation of "ew…" which same goes for the children, pointing in curiosity, were pulled back and shushed, "don't look at him dear", and for the other respective adults shaking their heads of disapproval.

-Meanwhile at Ross' Place-

Rachel entered his home before he did, and looked around, running into the rooms and looking out the window. Finding nothing at all, she slumped back into the couch and sighed.

"They're not here yet," Rachel disadvantaged as Ross approached her.

"They'll be here soon," Ross assured. "I'm not sure about Chandler, though."

"Why?"

"Probably doing something, not even answering his cell phone probably."

-

"Go Chandler, go Chandler," Chandler recited in self-praise as his phone started ringing.

"Go Chand--, hey what?" Chandler sneaked a glance at his phone and immediately looked back at the screen. One look away could be fatal. "Stupid phone," Chandler muttered as he continued to play the game, ignoring the constant ringing.

TUTUTUTUTUT… TADUM!

"YEAH!! GO CHANDLER, GO CHANDLER… the Champion of all games!" Chandler stood up from the floor and did a small victory dance, causing the coffee table beside him to shake.

CRACK…

Chandler paused, afraid of looking back at the fallen object.

"Please don't let it be something expensive… Please… Please…" the sarcastic man shut his eyes with one hand sealing over his face. He slowly removed his fingers and solemnly raised one eye.

…

"NO!" Chandler yelled as loud as a car's alarm. He placed his hands on his face. "That was Joey's _Barney _VCD…"

GAME OVER! GAME OVER! GAME OVER…!

-

"Puff, puff, puff!" panted Monica heavily, coming through the hallway where there were rows of doors. Then looking behind her, she said, "I must've lost her."

She found her way to the staircase and sat on the second-to-the-lowest step. She placed her chin on her palms and her elbows on her knees. She looked around. "What now…?"

-

"Ohmanohmanohman," Chandler muttered, pacing back and forth around the room. "Joey's going to be furious when he finds out I broke his VCD…" he stared back at the broken VCD. He had taken out the RPG and was deciding what to do. He picked up the pieced VCD and stared at it as it trembled in his hands. Then, a bright idea came to his head as a smile came to his face. "I know what to do!"

He jumped up from the chair and fast walked, kicking the pieced VCD to the side on the way. "I'm going to hide and make sure he never sees me again until he gets old and has amnesia. Then, when he sees me, I'll tell him I don't know him, and he'll never know about the incident! Chandler, you're a genius!" and with that, he grabbed his coat (not bothering to check if it was really his) and slammed the door (not bothering to lock it), leaving his phone, the RPG, and the kicked-to-the-side Barney VCD.

-

"Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggghhhh…" Joey said, gaping up at the menu, not deciding what flavor to get. Whenever he settled his mind on a savor, his mind would argue with him, and tell him to get yet another one, which his other mind fragments (veeeeeery few) would argue about. It was beginning to flood, but this time, the adults and other customers didn't stick their tongue out in disgust, which they did when the saliva started spreading, but gasped in distress as they tried to pull their legs out of the water, or in this case, spit. Frightened children were taken to higher ground, which in this case, tables and high chairs. The liquid started reaching up to their waists, and seeping through the glass door. Everybody started to get distraught, and soon everyone knew of this, except poor Joey, the confused lad who was perplexed and still watering out saliva. (Eeeww… a little exaggerated, sorry, but it's the only way I can make it funny)

-

SLAM. Chandler rushed out the room and ran down the hall to find a particular person. Soon, a figure came into view. Curious, Chandler began to walk slower and found out it was his brunette haired wife sitting on the steps. In delight he exclaimed, "Monica! I'm so glad to see you!"

"Wha? Chandler? Where have you been—what the—," in surprise at her husband suddenly pulling at her arm, she loosened his grasp.

"Monica, we're moving to Alaska. Come on!" Chandler started fast walking to their apartment. His wife quickened to catch up.

"Chandler, what are you talking about? What's up with you and Alaska?" Chandler paused in his steps. "Uh…" he began. "I've suddenly got a craving for…snow?" Monica sighed and placed her hands on her hips. "Chandler, did you break something again?"

"Um…" Chandler's eyes shifted around. "Would you get mad if I say yes?" Monica sighed again. She made her way to the steps and patted the seat beside her. "Come. Sit," she instructed. "Explain everything."

-

"I'm hungry."

"Me too."

The two of them were sitting lazily on the couch, staring at the homemade cake Ross' student made. Ross and Rachel's eyes met without having their head to turn around.

"Let's eat the cake."

"I'm way ahead of you"

-

TAP. TAP. TAP. Phoebe ran hurriedly through the streets in the attempt to get away from the Central Perk as far as possible. True, Phoebe had started running _long _ago, but since the earth was round, she ended up running right back where she started. She sighed as she ran off again. Why didn't she remember the tips from when she met Magellan? (Note: Magellan's the dude who discovered the earth was round.) Two hurrying figures came into view, but Phoebe did not see them, nor hear the topic they were talking about.

"Remember our talk, you're going to replace the VCD?"

"Yes dear."

"Never break anyone's things again?"

Yes dear."

"And you're going to apologize?"

"Is there a less obvious way?"

"Chandler…"

**BAM! **All three figures collided with one another and collapsed into the ground.

"Phoebe?!" Monica gasped in surprise.

"Monica?!" Phoebe gasped in shock.

"Chandler?" Chandler gasped in self-explanatory. Phoebe and Monica stared at him. "What?" he shrugged. "No one called on me."

Suddenly, a figure came into view, followed by a whole mob. The three gasped. It was Joey! In near view, most of the angry mob was soaked and led by dry police guards. "Quick! Hide me!" Joey exclaimed as he saw his friends. Hastily looking around, he spotted a garbage can and plunged into it, spilling some garbage out on the way. "You know they're going to find you," Monica said. "Should we call the fire station?"

"No!" came a muffled voice from the garbage can. "They're after me too!"

Soon, the mob caught up and saw the three. "Where'd that dimwitted idiot go?" they asked harshly. The three anxiously yet calmly pointed to the other direction, and that's where the mob went. Joey soon emerged from the garbage can.

"Humph," Joey shook a banana peel off his ankle. "Dimwitted idiots, I think _they're _the idiots, not able to find me."

"That's because we pointed the other way, you dimwit," Chandler said. they glared at each other.

"Look! It's the dimwit!" the mob started heading their way and Joey ran of the other way. The three stayed, but it was visible that the terrifying mob was angry with them too.

"Uh, should we follow Joey?" Monica suggested. Her companions nodded, and off they went.

-

The three panted as they reached their building. Arms, legs and even heads peeked out from the slammed entrance. They sighed in relief, but the entrance was so bulging that they were afraid they might get in. So they continued running and made their way to Ross' place.

Bursting the door open, they were shocked with what they saw…and what Ross and Rachel were…doing.

Inside, the couple was eating the messy cake in their bare hands, which was as well covered in frosting as their face. All 6 of them were stunned.

"Uh…" Rachel held up a messy fistful of muddled cake. "Cake, anyone?"


	3. Fixing the Mess

Recap:

_Bursting the door open, they were shocked with what they saw…and wh__at Ross and Rachel were…doing. Inside, the couple was eating the messy cake in their bare hands, which was as well covered in frosting as their face. All 6 of them were stunned. "Uh…" Rachel held up a messy fistful of muddled cake. "Cake, anyone?"_

Chapter 3: Fixing the Mess

Ross and Rachel knew they were trapped. They had eaten almost all the cake that they had meant to share, and the rest were in their hands and faces. Now they were all there. What would their friends think now?

"I can't believe you guys…" Joey took a step in the room. "You two, alone in the room…just you two…" he took another step, "…MANAGED TO EAT **ALL **THE CAKE WITHOUT ME?!" Ross and Rachel shared an anxious, toothed smile.

"You guys are real selfish!" Monica scolded. Ross and Rachel hung their heads guiltily.

"Yeah…cake…" Chandler muttered.

"YOU HOG!" Phoebe pointed her finger.

"WHAT'D YA MEAN HOG?" Ross yelled. "I will assure you I am perfectly thin! Look, look, see…"

"Not you! Joey!" she flung herself beside the half-Italian man. "He's eating the rest of the cake!" now both of them were standing before the low table, digging into the mess and stuffing it into their mouth for all they were worth.

"YOU GUYS!" Chandler yelled angrily, but now Ross and Rachel joined in. "You're not leaving me any cake!" he jumped in. Monica sighed.

"Guys, don't you see how childishly you're acting?" she looked disapprovingly at the disorganized group and licked her lips. "YOU SHOULD'VE LEARNED HOW TO SHARE WHEN YOU WERE IN KINDERGARTEN!" she yelled and dug in.

-

"I've never felt so juvenile in my life," Monica said, stretching. It was morning and they had cleaned themselves up. They slept in Ross' place, despite his disapproval.

"Me too," Chandler cracked his neck. "By the way, what does juvenile mean?" Monica sighed. But then a thought came to her mind and she whispered to her husband, "Chandler! You forgot to replace Joey's VCD!"

Chandler smiled as if it were no problem. "Ok, we can pick it up this lunch."

"We?" Monica repeated as her husband continued walking.

-

"I can't believe _we _are doing this," Monica grumbled.

"It was your idea to replace Joey's VCD," Chandler stated.

"But, I mean…us! You could easily do it by yourself," she responded.

"I know, but two heads are better than one. Besides, we can get extra time with each other, especially when we go out for lunch," said Chandler emotively.

Monica's eyes shone as she smiled delightfully. "Oh, Chandler," she said sweetly as she hugged him closer. She had suddenly become emotional realizing that spending time with her was his **main** reason; at least that's what she thought. Her eyes automatically closed as their faces got closer in to kiss (what are you doing? you're in the middle of the street!).

"EEWWW! Mommy, they're kissing, and it's not even Valentine's Day!" a 6 year old with an ice cream and balloon interrupted them.

"Oh, you'll find out when you're older," his mother smiled as she pulled him away by the hand. The couple, not able to fulfill the kiss, looked at each other with themselves still clasped together. "We should really stop kissing in the street."

-

"Okay, so what exactly is the VCD you broke?" Monica asked.

"Erm, Joey's."

"No, no, I meant what _category_, what's the story?"

"Um, well I was playing an RPG…"

"I MEANT THE VCD! WHAT'S THE STORY OF THE VCD?!" Monica yelled.

"BARNEY IN TREASURE ISLAND AND OTHER STORIES!" Chandler yelled then immediately covered his mouth. He had told off Joey's secret!

"Barney? Joey watches Barney?" Monica asked with a face that said what-are-you-telling-me. Chandler meekly nodded. "Auh…" Monica gaped. Then she shook her head. "It doesn't matter what Joey watches. We've got to replace that thing."

Chandler and Monica covered almost all of the block's VCD stores but found no Barney VCDs. Each time they asked the employee, other people or searched around people would give them strange looks, which Monica initiated to be rude, but Chandler thought otherwise.

"They think we're cool," Chandler told Monica.

"No, why would they give such weird looks to people who are cool?" Monica challenged.

"They're wondering why such people like us are in a normal VCD store," Chandler grinned proudly, making all those around him back out, including his wife.

"Well, I'd rather not be in an abnormal store."

Finally, they came face to face to the place they were looking for: THE CHILDREN'S VCD HAVEN. No one but children and parents went in. Monica and Chandler, without a child, felt quite naked.

"Chandler, what are you doing?" Monica asked her husband, who was now trying to cover his waist.

"Uh-uh nothing," he answered, hiding his arms behind his back. Then with a shifty eye, he returned his hands to his front and knocked his knees together.

"Ugh, Chandler," Monica grumbled.

"I-I'm fine," Chandler stammered, plucking up courage. "Let's go in together."

"Ah!" Monica gasped nervously. "I just remembered—I have to buy some groceries! BYYYEEE!!!"

"Hey wait Monica!" Chandler called, but it was too late. He sighed. He'd have to get the darn VCD by himself. "I forgot to tell her to buy some butter…" he mumbled as he made his way to the Child's VCD Store.

-

"Hey, you're not a kid," a small 6 year old said. "what's a big man like you standing in front of the Barney section for almost an hour?" the boy licked on his blue lollipop while conversing.

Chandler mimicked the little boy like a huge baby and replied with another insult. "Well, why aren't you with your mom?"

The little boy looked down, like a rain cloud showed up above him. "I don't have a mom…" the man in front of the six-year-old acted otherwise.

"Wow, that's pretty great, now run along and play outside." He said with no attention to the boy, his attention now at the whole big rack of rated G VCDs.

The little boy's lower lip stuck out and tears hung from his eyes. Then he raised his head and hollered, "WAAH! DADDY!"

"What's the matter, John?" a big man in a suit came out. Chandler stared wide-eyed at the manager as the little boy pointed at him.

-

STUMP. As you have predicted, Chandler was kicked out. He landed on his butt and he rubbed it painfully. Then he turned his head back to the shop and shook his fist. "Well you try my life," he shouted. "My father was gay!"

"Chandler, what are you doing here?" his brunette haired wife stood in front of him, carrying grocery bags in each hand.

"Uh…" he said. he swayed his trunk. "You know…just sitting around…"

"You didn't get the VCD."

"Yeah."

-

"Yawn…" Joey was still sleeping at Ross' place. He was on the ground. He turned to his right and saw Rachel. Turning to his left he saw Ross. Ross was wide-awake, and furious. "You know, I don't think that was exactly, 'the best nap'," said Ross grimly.

"Yawn, mother, I don't want any peas," Rachel murmured, turning to her left. She frowned without opening her eyes. "Keep it down, would you?"

"Hear what the lady said?" Joey whispered to Ross, hoping he would forget his anger. "Keep your anger management." Then he rolled over and faced sleeping Rachel. Ross grabbed Joey's shoulder and rolled him towards himself. Joey tried to smile.

"…Um…nap?"

-

"And then he turned out to be the manager's kid, and when he called his daddy, they kicked me out! And on top of that"—he grabbed one of Monica's shopping bag and peeked in—"you forgot to buy the butter!"

"How can that possibly be wor—OH YOU'RE RIGHT! I WAS GOING TO MAKE BUTTER COOKIES!" Monica exclaimed. Then forgetting all about Joey's VCD, they rushed back to the grocery store.

-

"Oh, think you can escape me, eh? Thinking I'd forgive you immediately, eh?"

"Ross, will you please stop saying 'eh'?" Rachel complainingly requested. "It's getting a bit on my nerves." She was sitting by, watching the two argue and making sure things didn't get too major.

"Oh, Okay," he turned back to Joey. "Thinking you'd be innocent, huh? No troubles, huh?" Rachel slapped her forehead.

-

"FINALLY! The butter shelf," Monica gasped.

"At last! Who knew it was so far from the counter?" Chandler asked. People near them gave them strange looks, but the two didn't notice. The butter shelf was the closest shelf to the counter, not to mention just six steps.

"Great, great!" Chandler exclaimed. Then the smile slipped from his face. "What brand?"

"Um, the brand…we usually get?" Monica guessed.

"Uh, what _do _we usually get?" Chandler asked. His wife looked around.

"Er…" she smiled and picked up a butter case from the shelf. " 'Dari Crème Lite'?"

"Are you _sure_?" he asked and took out a case from a different shelf. "Isn't it 'Sunshine Cow'?"

"Or maybe 'Coffee Cream'!"

"Or 'Butter Hills'!"

The couple sighed. They were in trouble.

-

"Guys, you shouldn't fight over such a little thing," Rachel tried to put down the quarrel.

"He started it!" Joey pointed a finger at Ross.

"Now don't you go blaming me," Ross frowned.

"Look, Ross, it wasn't Joey's fault that we all ended up sleeping here," Rachel assured.

"Oh yes it was," Ross argued. "He ended up eating the left of the cake first, and then he fell asleep. Then the next thing you know, it becomes a train reaction and everyone ended up falling asleep too!"

"But Ross, weren't you the one who fell asleep first?" Rachel asked. Ross looked around. Then he collapsed and pretended to snore.

"Who wants blueberry muffins?" came a sound. The two looked up and saw Phoebe. She laid the plate of muffins on the coffee table and the two began to dig in. Ross' slightly opened eye shifted around and he began to snore louder.

"Goodness, who's the terrible musician with a foghorn?" Phoebe asked. The two, at the same time while eating their muffins, pointed at Ross.

"Ross wake up its—," Ross woke with a start and began to push Joey aside with his elbow to eat a muffin. Phoebe blinked, but after a few seconds, smiled.

"You know, my grandma gave me that recipe," Phoebe explained. "Then after I tasted it, I collapsed and found myself in a cell. Now I use it to knock some sense into insane people and bring them to jail. But I decided to serve you some as a thank you gift." All three of them collapsed. Phoebe couldn't think why it happened.

-

"Maybe it's 'Butterfly'," Monica suggested. The couple was lying over a pile of butter products.

"Dear, we're here to find butter, not insects," Chandler said.

" 'Butterfly' is a butter brand name," Monica explained to her husband.

"Oh."

-

"Um, hello? Is this the—,"

"Yes, this is the police station. Is there a burglary in your house right now?"

"Actually, I—,"

"Am being kidnapped?! We'll be right over!"

TUT TUT TUT

The blond looked at the phone. She shrugged. "Oh well. I didn't tell them where I lived, anyway. Grandma said that police stations wouldn't have search satellites till the year 2000" She passed the wall where the calendar hung, although she didn't notice it. The present calendar read the year: 2000."

-

"Excuse me?"

The couple looked up lazily at the tall, bulky employee. He had dots around his chin showing that he hadn't been shaving well. He wore a cap on his head and was wearing a uniform. "What do you want?"

"What exactly do you think you are doing?"

Chandler raised his arm (no elbow included), which was holding a butter product. Monica looked lazily at it as well. The butter product dropped from Chandler's hand. They looked up at the officer employee again. He was fuming mad.

The scene flashed to the couple lying on the piles again. They're eyes bulged frightfully. Monica, without taking her bulged eyes off the officer, pointed at her husband. "He started it."

-

"I can't believe that guy," Monica complained as she walked to the apartment building with her husband. "He didn't have to kick me so hard!"

"Like he didn't kick me just as hard," Chandler said.

"But he kicked a girl," Monica responded. "A girl! Any guy who'd kick a girl is an idiot! He should be fired!"

"What is so special with women that they shouldn't be kicked?" Chandler wondered.

"I'm going to find Rachel and Phoebe and tell them what happened," said Monica puerilely. But as they reached the building, they found that police cars were outside it.

"What is happening?" Monica gasped.

"Oh no!" Chandler wailed. "It's that kid's manager dad coming to get me! Help!"

"Don't overreact, Chandler!" Monica told her cowering husband. She gasped and walked closer. "They're going to Ross' apartment!"

-

Monica stumbled into the apartment with Chandler and saw Phoebe standing up with the rest of her friends on the floor. "Phoebe, what happened?" Monica gasped.

"I keep telling them," Phoebe said. Two police officers were on either side of her, writing what she was saying in a notepad. "They keep asking me how the kidnap took place, but there's no kid napping!" she looked at the officer standing on the left side. "Hey, hottie," she cooed. "Ever been in any of my past lives?" Then she frowned. "Hey, don't write that down!"

"Phoebe, WHAT kidnapping?" Monica demanded.

"Madame," a broad shouldered officer stepped in front of Phoebe. "Tell me, when did the kidnap happen?"

"DON'T CALL ME MADAME!" Phoebe yelled, making the whole apartment shake.

"Um, ahem, I mean miss," the officer stammered, adjusting his cap. "The time of the kidnap?"

"Look, mister," said Phoebe, pointing her finger at his chest, still enraged at the 'madam' remark, "I don't know who you are or why you're here. And you are especially arrogant for daring to call me madam! I will just say that I am not old nor married, and I'm not having any kid here who's napping either!" (They stare at Ross, Joey and Rachel who are 'napping' on the floor) "So you Madame-calling Asses can just get out and stay OUT!"

The officers blinked. The officer on the left dropped both his pen and notebook. Everyone was frozen.

"Well?" said Phoebe. "Didn't I tell you to get out?"

They were gone in an instant. The only ones left in the room were the friends.

"W-wow, Phoebe," said Monica gently. "You were really fired up there."

"I know," Phoebe responded. "They were expecting so much. Like I had the memory of an elephant! How was I supposed to remember what time I put those kids to sleep, anyway? I was just as fired up as when I got fired. Up."

"Oh…what happened?" said Rachel in a tired voice.

"WOW!" Phoebe exclaimed; all her bad feelings replaced by sheer surprise. "That's exactly what I said when my grandma did that to me!"

"EMMA!" Rachel gasped, fumbling to her feet.

"You mean you left her in the apartment all alone?" Monica gasped.

"No way!" Rachel responded. "Who does that?"

"Um…." Phoebe uttered softly. Her friends looked at her.

"Anyway," Rachel continued, "When I decided to give the celebration for Joey's uh…good job, I gave Emma a babysitter that could stay for long. Like overnight."

"Is she that responsible?" asked Monica.

"That's what I'm going to find out," Rachel answered as she grabbed her coat and went out of the door. Chandler, Monica and Phoebe were staring out the door before Rachel appeared again. "Um… why are Joey and Ross on the floor?"

"I knocked them out with my fatal muffins!" answered Phoebe.

Rachel blinked. "_Right_…" she said as she rolled her eyes.

_**SLAM! **_

"Whoa, WHAT HAPPENED?" Ross gasped, sitting up abruptly.

"Oh, Rachel went to see if the babysitter didn't abandon or kill Emma," Phoebe replied calmly.

"Emma? Abandon? _Kill?_"Ross jumped up, "That's my baby!" and raced out the door.

"Kill?" Phoebe repeated. "I didn't know he had a baby named Kill."

"Ross has a baby named Kill?" asked Joey.

-

"Oh, thank goodness." Rachel leaned against the doorframe and placed a hand on her chest as she sighed in relief. What was she being so worried for? The babysitter had never left the baby; she should have known…

"How much're ya gonna pay me?" asked the 'responsible' babysitter.

"Oh yeah, oh yes, yes," said Rachel breathlessly, reaching into her purse. "Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty..."

"WAIT JUST A SECOND HERE!" a familiar voice shouted. They mystery soon dispersed when Ross emerged. He was pointing an accusing finger at the babysitter. "If you try anything on my baby or wife I swear you will regret the day you ever touched a knife or dagger or sword or gun or cannon! Whew, what a lot of stuff you touched," Ross said with a pant.

The two women stared at him.

-------------------------------------

A/N: Hehe, sorry it took a long time. I've been on writer's block, hehe... Happy New Year, everyone. Thanks for reading.


End file.
